PARENT HANDOUT

Listening Is Love in Action

There are many ways to discipline children. One way is to listen to them. Often busy parents fail to listen to and notice their children. When children feel they have something important to say or to show and are repeatedly ignored or tuned out by an insensitive or "too busy" adult, they may do one of two things, neither of which is desirable:

• The child may give up and quit trying. The result is a child who does not communicate well. This stifles the growth of the child's mind, personality, ability, and self-confidence. OR
  
  
• The child may misbehave to get the attention he or she cannot get in any other way. This behavior will usually get the attention of the adult, but may cause the adult to punish the child as well.

Why Listening Is Important

1. Nothing makes a person feel more cared about than to be listened to. Look for ways to spend special time with your child. Even if it is only for 10 minutes, take time to be with the child as an interested, nonjudgmental friend. Be ready to talk about or do anything the child wants to do.
   
   
2. Listening increases understanding of and sensitivity to other people's feelings. Make talking with your child a habit from birth on. Encourage the child to react to what is said. Avoid yes-or-no questions. Instead, use questions that explore the child's feelings and imagination. Involve the child in decision making.
   
   
3. Listening can reduce emotional tension. Communicate and express feelings in a way that helps others understand. Find healthy and appropriate ways to express anger. Don't blame or attack the child, but explain what makes you mad. Use "I"-statements, not "You"-statements. Don't label the child, but focus on the child's behavior. Avoid shaming questions and sarcastic comments, as these lead to lowered self-esteem and defensiveness. Children copy what they see and hear.
   
   
4. Listening can help break the cycle of unhealthy talk. Everyone's feelings have worth. Show kids that you acknowledge and respect what they have to say. Anyone is more likely to listen to someone who affirms rather than denies their experiences.
   
   
5. Listening makes it possible for children to be caring and responsible. Listen with respect. Children's concerns are different from ours, but the emotions they feel are the same. Give the child freedom to express feelings and views without fear of ridicule or judgment. Listening well is a major act of loving and caring. Speaking to a parent or significant adult who listens can help children extend themselves and learn more about themselves.
   
   
6. Listening sets early patterns for life-long communication skills. If you react with time and respect to what children say, you teach them that they are important, help them trust their own perceptions, improve communication, and make it easier to talk to them in the future. The investment of "listening time" pays off in trust and courtesy.

Principles of Good Listening

1. Use silent and one-word neutral responses. Instead of responding with advice, commands, conclusions, solutions, or lectures use a one-word neutral response like "uhha," "I see," or "yeah." Silent acknowledgement of what the child is saying, like a nod of the head or a shrug of the shoulders, is useful too.
   
   
2. Listen for feeling and meaning. Be an active listener. Listen for the feelings your children are trying to communicate. This means listening to both verbal and nonverbal communications and acknowledging what they are saying so they will say more.
   
   
3. Listen to your children even when you don't like what you are hearing. Often it's the content of the message that the parent doesn't want to hear. If the child is feeling pain, don't jump to solutions before the child can express and deal with them. A parent's first job is to help children identify their feelings, and then to help them make a responsible decision about what they should do. Sometimes adults don't like to hear a child's message because it is said in an angry, loud, or disrespectful way. Even at these times it is important to listen and reflect back the child's feelings. At a more calm time, the adult can express concern with the manner in which the message was conveyed and recommend or problem-solve with the child a more appropriate way to share feelings.
   
   
4. Repeat back what you heard the child say--and check out your interpretation. Reflecting back the feelings and meanings that you hear helps you understand the true meaning, helps your children further explore their feelings and actions, and affirms the feelings they are having.
   
   
5. Don't always take your child's questions or comments at face value. Sometimes children have hidden fears that they are unable to directly ask about. The questions they ask may be a way of asking for reassurance. If adults take the question at its face value, they may miss what is at the heart of the child's concerns.
   
   
6. Be aware of nonverbal messages. The words being spoken are only part of the message. Watch for nonverbal cues such as a hunched posture, a clenched fist, lack of eye contact. These cues may help put the words in context.

This fact sheet contains several ideas that can help adults listen better to children. The rewards of being a good listener are sometimes reaped instantly in a closer relationship with the child; sometimes the rewards are reaped years later when an older child tells you how much you have been appreciated.

The practice of communication skills is not always easy, and you may find you make some mistakes. But keep the overall goal of being a good listener in mind and keep practicing. It can make a difference in how you feel about yourself as a parent and the children in your life will certainly be healthier because you listened to them. Most important, you will feel closer to them.

Prepared by Faden Fulleylove-Krause, University of Wisconsin Extension Family Living Agent, Calumet County, WI; Rebecca Hagen-Jokela, Extension Educator--Family Development, Carlton County, MN; and Ronald L. Pitzer, Family Sociologist, Minnesota Extension Service.