by Elizabeth Pantley, author of Kid Cooperation and Perfect
Parenting
They Never
Listen to Me!
If you read the title of
this article and
assumed it was a parent's statement. Guess again.
Our local newspaper asked
100 kids, aged 7 to 17, the question, "What do you wish your parents
did differently?' The most common answer? No, it was not more junk
food, later curfews or unlimited TV. The most common answer was, "1
wish they would listen to me."
What do they mean?
- When kids want parents
to listen to them, they don't mean listen and judge, or listen and nag
or even listen and solve. What they mean is they would like their attention
and interest. What they want is a parent who will put down the remote
control, the newspaper or the dishtowel and give them a few minutes
of eyeball-to-eyeball listening.
Be an available parent.- Being available when your
children want you or need you is a powerful expression of love. Too
many times parents tell children that they'll talk "later" or "in a
minute" and "late" never comes. Typically, when your child wants your
attention, and you respond immediately and totally, your childs needs
will be met rather quickly. If, however, your child must wait endlessly
for your attention, the problem will grow as he waits, or even worse,
he'll take his thoughts to someone else, and you'll never know what
you've missed.
Listen for the real meaning.- Children aren't always
accurate and articulate when they talk. Often, parents need to "read
between the lines". Even as teenagers our children sometimes deliver
words that are very different from their intended meaning. It's an astute
parent who can get past the words being said to the intended meaning.
We sometimes find it hard to do this because we get caught up in our
child's tone of voice or manner of speaking. Or we make up our minds
quickly as we assume the conversation will be a copy of past experiences.
Its a smart parent who will try to get beyond simply listening and move
toward understanding.
What's the end result?- Several things happen when
a parent is doing more listening and understanding. One clear benefit
is that your children begin to talk to you about the important things
in their lives without fear of judgement or criticism. They become much
more honest and open, giving you an opportunity to share your thoughts
and values in a nonthreatening environment. In addition, when you begin
to see your child with new eyes you'll like what you see, you'll feel
more love for your child, and you'll be a happier parent.
|
The
Listening Quiz
At the end of each
day, can you answer "YES" to these questions?
-
Today my child
told me something I didn't know.
-
Today I looked
into my child's eyes as I listened.
-
Today I asked my
child a question and then listened to the entire answer without
interrupting.
-
Today I put down
whatever was in my hands to show my child my full attention.
-
Today I was available
to my child when he/she wanted to talk to me.
-
Today, as I listened
to my child, I held back at least one unproductive comment.
-
Today I asked my
child at least one helpful question.
- Today I laughed
at something my child said.
|
|
